How to write a first message that actually gets a reply

Why 'hey' almost never works

'Hey' is not rude. It is simply empty. It asks the other person to invent a subject, a tone and a reason to keep going, all before they know whether you are worth the effort. People who receive a lot of messages will pick the ones that already have momentum.

Compliments about appearance run into a similar problem. They are pleasant for a second and then the conversation stalls, because there is nothing to reply to except 'thank you'.

Four openers you can adapt

• The specific hook: pick one concrete detail from their profile and react to it honestly. 'You listed sourdough and bouldering — which one has caused more injuries?'
• The shared-taste question: name something you both seem to like and ask for a recommendation. People love being asked for recommendations.
• The light opinion: offer a small, harmless take and invite disagreement. 'Cinema seats in the back row are objectively better. Open to being argued with.'
• The honest one-liner: if you genuinely like the whole profile, say why in one sentence and ask one question. Sincerity is rarer than cleverness and works better.

What to do when they reply

Match their energy roughly. If they send two lines, do not send eight. Answer whatever they asked before you ask something new — that single habit makes a conversation feel like a conversation instead of two people taking turns broadcasting.

And if a message goes unanswered, let it go. Silence is not a verdict on you; people get busy, change their mind, or take a break from dating entirely.